


Hellgirls

by alcimines



Category: Hellboy - All Media Types, X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 20:17:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2554226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alcimines/pseuds/alcimines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Transformed by a Faerie Lady into a woman, Hellboy (er... Hellgirl?) is advised to take a vacation. He decides to look up an old friend of his father's - Professor Charles Xavier. Unfortunately, the Professor isn't available and Hellboy finds himself spending a lot of time with X-23 and Jubilee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hellgirls

HELLGIRLS

Ouch.

With a pissed-off grunt, I stood up and plowed my way out of the latest pile of crap that the Universe had dumped on me. As rock-dust billowed through the air, and chunks of busted rock cascaded down my body, I found myself nose-to-nose with the body of the wolf-bear-monster-thing I'd been fighting. The two of us had been slugging it out in the ruins of an old Irish castle. The fight finally ended when we collapsed what was left of a five-story tower on top of us. A jagged length of iron rod - cold iron obviously - was sticking out of the side of his skull. His eyes were open and glazed, and bright-red blood drooled out of his mouth. The blood trickled down into the broken stone and I could feel it pooling around my hooves.

We were in Ireland because some local kids with an old book of magic rituals and a really amazing lack of common sense had managed to summon a Faerie Lady. The Faerie Lady then proceeded to run wild and that was enough to get the BPRD involved. We eventually ended up at the castle, trying to free the people the Faerie Lady had bewitched into her service. We freed the local folk, but that didn't make the Lady very happy. That resulted in a big fight with her flunkies - the biggest and meanest of which had been the wolf-bear-guy.

But now the wolf-bear-guy was finished. I was pretty beat up, but I had to help the others. Blinking dust from my eyes and trying to ignore the ringing in my ears, I looked around for the Faerie Lady, but I couldn't see her anywhere. That was more than a little unlikely. A true Faerie Lady is a tough customer. No way she would just up and leave without taking a pound of someone's flesh along with her.

About then was when I figured out that something else was wrong. The other guys were trying to dig me out when I popped out of the rubble - and then they froze in place as they stared at me. Liz's jaw was hanging open, Abe's eyes were big and round, and the new guy was shaking his head in amazement.

Was my fly unzipped or something? I just couldn't help myself. I looked down.

It was definitely "or something".

I had... boobs. Big red boobs.

"Aw, geeze," I said. And my voice was wrong too - higher and softer than it should have been.

I shoved my left hand down the front of my pants.

Yep. I was an innie instead of an outie.

Crap.

* * *

A couple of hours later, the worst of the dust-cloud from the collapsed tower had settled. I'd finally managed to get Liz and Abe to stop fussing over me and we were searching what was left of the castle for any civilians who might still be around. The local cops had showed up and were helping.

We were back in the courtyard when I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. Some movement that wasn't from us or the cops.

Off in a corner of the castle courtyard, deep in shadow and standing unnaturally still, I could see the faint outline of a tall and slender woman. I couldn't make out her face, but her eyes glowed golden-brown with a hint of red. For some reason, that reminded me of fall leaves.

"I will end you, Hellboy," the Faerie Lady whispered to me. And somehow I knew that nobody could hear her except me.

"Drop dead," I snapped at her as I automatically reached for my revolver. But my holster was empty and I vaguely remembered that I'd lost my gun when the tower collapsed.

Liz immediately put her back to me, her handgun out and ready as she scanned for targets. She didn't find any. Abe pointed his gun in the direction where I was looking, but he didn't seem to see anything either. The new guy was just a typical new guy - really confused.

A wordless something, kinda like a silent ripple of amusement, came from the Faerie Lady. And then her eyes faded away and she was gone.

Crap, again.

* * *

On the transport back to the States, I dug a signal mirror out of a survival kit and took a look at myself.

You wanna hear something weird?

I was kinda cute. I had good features, smooth skin, and eyes that seemed slightly Asian. My hair was long, glossy, and pure black. Hell, even the color of my skin was a less threatening shade of red. And for some reason, my horns were in full bloom. I'd trimmed back the stumps just that morning, but I guess what the Faerie Lady had done to me had made them grow back. Even they looked better than my old horns. They were smaller and more graceful. Ladylike, you might say.

Crap, yet again.

* * *

"One of the dangers in dealing with the creatures of the Faerie Courts is the strange powers they can manifest," Kate said carefully. She was wandering into lecture-mode. That's a place Kate likes to go when she's upset and trying to hide it.

We were in the BPRD conference room. It was just Kate and me - I'd told everyone else to get lost. Yeah, I appreciated all of the concern, but it was getting to be a pain in the ass. Everybody was acting like I was a cross between a time-bomb and a terminal cancer patient. But it wasn't like I was hurt or anything. Yeah, I'd been turned into a girl, but that wasn't exactly the end of the world.

Was it?

"The Lady of Turning is a noble of the Autumn Court," Kate continued. "Most people think of her realm in terms of the transition from fall to winter - as with the turning of the leaves or the shortening of the day. But she can actually perform many different kinds of transformations."

"Including a magical sex-change operation?" I tried to growl. It wasn't much of a growl. You know, it's weird, but the difference in my voice was bothering me more than anything. I'd sorta gotten used to the lower center-of-gravity, the way those damned boobs were always in the way, the empty space where my junk used to be, and having to sit down to pee. But the voice was driving me crazy. Every time I said something, I'd catch myself wondering who was talking.

"Including a magical sex-change operation," Kate agreed with a sigh.

"How long until I change back?" I asked. There was a funny feeling in my stomach. I had an idea what the answer was gonna be...

"We don't know," Kate answered with a helpless shrug. "And we have to face the possibility that it may never wear off."

I rubbed that spot between my horns - I hadn't got around to trimming them yet. That was the spot where my headaches always start. And a big one was coming.

"I knew you were gonna say that," I told her.

"There's another possibility," Kate continued quickly.

"What?"

"A glamour of this sort usually has a trigger that can deactivate it. It's often some action that the victim must perform."

I thought that over and said, "Okay, Kate, any idea what it might be? 'Some action' covers a lot of ground."

She shook her head.

"Great," I muttered.

* * *

Everyone told me to take some time off. So I did. It was only after I said yes that I realized I really didn't have much of a clue where to go, or what to do when I got there. The last time I took some serious time off, I really didn't have much fun. But I wasn't really in the mood for that again.

After thinking it over, I decided to visit an old family friend. Liz stopped me just as I was about to walk out the door. She had something in her hand.

"You can't go out like that," she said. She was pointing at my chest.

I looked down again. Yeah, I kept forgetting that I couldn't just run around in an open trench-coat. But none of my shirts fit any more.

After saying a nasty word, I dropped my kit bag to the floor and started to button up my coat. Liz shook her head and gently stopped me. Then she wordlessly handed me a package that contained a really oversized sports bra.

I looked at her, "You gotta be kidding me."

"Nope," she said. "Sorry, HB, but you need something to keep those vast tracts of land under control. It's for your own good - and the good of others. You could hurt somebody with those things."

I opened my mouth to tell her to get lost. And then I shut it. This was Liz. When I first met her, she was a scared little girl, alone and crying in a fire-proof room. I went in the room and gave her a tootsie-pop. A cherry tootsie-pop. Which is my favorite flavor and I don't give one of those to just anybody.

My instincts about Liz turned out to be right. And she never let me down. If I couldn't trust her, who could I trust?

With a sigh, I dropped my coat and wrestled the bra on. Liz gave me a hand.

"It's uncomfortable," I groused.

"Don't be such a big baby," Liz said as she fiddled with a shoulder strap. "I think I got the size right - this is a 56 DD. I had to order it special. A couple more are on the way."

"More? How many do I need?"

Liz rolled her eyes, "They're underwear! You can't wear one all the time. You need to rotate."

She gave me some more directions - washing a bra sounded like a real pain in the ass - and then let me go after I promised to call her once I settled in somewhere.

"Where are you going?" she finally asked me.

"I'm gonna visit an old friend of dad's."

"Who?" Liz asked, giving me the raised eyebrow routine.

"A guy named Charles Xavier. He and dad were pretty tight."

Liz shook her head, "Never heard of him. And don't you dare forget to call."

"I'll call."

There was a really determined look on Liz's face, "I mean it, HB! Call!"

"I'll call! I'll call! Geeze."

She smiled and kissed me goodbye.

* * *

A pretty girl opened the mansion's door. She didn't seemed surprised at what she saw. At first that kinda surprised me, but on second thought, it made sense.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," she said back.

Then nothing much else happened. We just stood there, looking at one another. She was a teenager, maybe a little on the short side for her age, but I'm not good at judging that sort of thing. Her hair was long and as black as the cold space between stars. Her eyes were the greenest that I've ever seen. And she was built tight and athletic - like a dancer or an acrobat. And there was... something... about her. I could see it in her eyes and in the confident but alert way she just stood there. This little girl was a tough customer.

Well, so was I.

"I'd like to see Professor Xavier," I said.

"He's not here," she answered.

Pause.

I sighed. "Is there anyone else I could talk to? Someone who might be interested in, y'know, communication?"

She nodded her head and finally got out of my way. I took that as permission to enter.

"Logan!" the girl called out - and I winced. That crazy Canadian bastard had been with Professor Xavier for a long time, but I was one of the few who were willing to admit that I actually knew him from before his time with the X-Men. And while I don't exactly dislike the guy, I couldn't say we were friends. We'd gone around more than a few times. Back when he was with those Weapon-X bastards, he was a major problem.

He must have been on the way, because Logan walked into the main hall after just a few seconds. When he saw me, he blinked in surprise. To give him credit, he spent just as much time looking at my horns as he did at my chest.

"It's me," I growled.

Logan nodded slowly, "Must be a hell of a story."

"Short version: I pissed off a Faerie Lady."

That actually made Logan wince. He runs in really different circles than I do, but he's older than the hills and he's definitely been around.

Then something suddenly hit me. I looked at the girl who'd met me at the door. Then I looked back at Logan.

"We're related," Logan said in a way that seemed to suggest that no questions were welcome.

I decided to get the message, "I came to see Professor Xavier, but the squirt says he's not here."

The "squirt" raised an eyebrow in my direction. I ignored her.

"She's right," Logan said.

"So where is he?"

Logan smiled in that way of his that seems to suggest that the world can always suck more than it does, and then pointed straight up.

"Try a couple'a thousand light years that way."

"Oh. Visiting his girlfriend?"

Logan nodded as he examined my chest, "Yep."

I frowned, "Dammit. Well, I suppose I shoulda called. See ya around."

Logan stopped checking out my boobs long enough to ask, "Hey, anyone else you wanna talk to?"

I sighed, "I'll pass."

Then I turned on my heel and walked away.

* * *

I found my way to a bar in Salem Center. It's the town closest to the Xavier place. Salem Center isn't much of a town, but I'll say this for it: the folks there are used to odd-looking customers. Nobody in the bar even blinked when I walked in the door.

I sat down and ordered a beer. It arrived quick enough, but I didn't immediately drink it. Instead I stared into the mug and tried to figure out what to do next. I wasn't used to having time to myself. There was no mission. No investigation. Nobody to save. Nothing to fight.

Nothing to do. I was on vacation and I hated it.

I emptied the mug in one long swallow and signaled for another.

So I was sucking down brews and feeling sorry for myself when I realized that the girl from Xavier's had followed me. Which wasn't exactly that tricky to do, I suppose. After all, I stick out in a crowd. And it wasn't like she was trying to be sneaky. In fact, after walking in, she came up to my table and sat down. She didn't really look like she was old enough to be in a bar, but nobody seemed to be particularly interested in making that into an issue.

The waitress, a tough-looking, middle-aged, blonde who reminded me a bit of Kate, wandered up and asked, "What'll it be, honey?"

"Coffee. Black. No sugar," the girl said as she stared at me in that weirdly distant manner of hers.

"You got a name?" I asked. I guess I was a little grumpy.

"Laura," she replied.

"Okay, Laura, just what the hell do you want?"

She shrugged, "Logan's worried about you. He asked me to check and see if you were okay."

I chugged down the last of my beer. The waitress put a cup of coffee in front of Laura and then picked up my mug and headed back to the bar. Off hand, I had no idea how many beers I'd put away. Just that it wasn't anywhere near enough.

"I'm fine. So finish your coffee and go tell Logan I don't need a babysitter."

She took a cautious sip from her coffee cup, "There are at least two people watching you. I think they followed you to the mansion, and then from the mansion to here."

Huh? Oh... she was like Logan. He's good at that sort of thing, too.

"Okay. Thanks. I'll handle them if they try anything. Oh... and what the heck is the deal with you and Logan?"

She blinked, "What do you mean?"

"Is he your dad?" I asked as the waitress brought me another beer.

She shook her head, "It's hard to explain. He calls me his sister."

I gave her a long look, "Is it some kinda cloning thing? Are those Weapon-X bastards still playing games?"

"Good guess," she said. She seemed surprised that I'd figured it out.

Then a freaking vampire walked in the door and everything went to hell.

* * *

The bar was a wreck and the owner had banned us for life. The cops busted all three of us, but Logan made bail. I called the Bureau and they sent a lawyer to sort it out with the bar owner. Thanks to a pretty decent salary and the wonders of compound interest, I have a fair amount of money stashed away. However, I'm not much at managing it. People take care of that for me. I don't know the details, but apparently enough cash changed hands that the charges were dropped. Actually, I felt pretty bad about tearing up the bar. It turned out to have been a big misunderstanding.

"You're a crazy bitch. You know that, right?" the vampire snarled at me. She was a tiny and kinda pretty Chinese-American girl. Laura called her "Jubilation" and, believe it or not, she was apparently Laura's friend.

We were sitting in a crappy motel room. I was beat to hell. So was the vampire. Laura looked fine except for some torn clothes. I heal real fast, but nothing like Logan and Laura.

"What the hell was I supposed to do?" I shot back at Jubilation. "Laura here warns me that I'm being followed. Then a fang-girl walks in the door."

"You hit me with a table! Then you tried to stake me with one of its legs!"

"You're a vampire! Staking vampires is a big part of what I do!"

"Look, just what is your problem? Are you some kind of bigot?!"

"Where vamps are concerned, you're damned right I am!"

"Both of you stop it," Laura said quietly. She handed me a folded towel that she'd soaked in cold water. I immediately put it up against the side of my head. Jubilation had landed a pretty good kick there.

Then Laura sat down on the bed next to Jubilation, flipped her hair to one side, undid the top buttons of her blouse, and pulled the collar away from her neck. I think I blinked in surprise. I had a pretty good idea where this was going.

There was a 'snikt' as Laura popped one of her claws. Then she used it to cut a neat slash in the muscle at the junction of her neck and shoulder. Blood started flowing. Jubilation gave me another angry, red-eyed glare, then buried her face in Laura's neck. The fight almost restarted right then and there. The only reason I didn't immediately jump Jubilation was because Laura saw the look on my face and held a hand up to stop me.

"It's all right," Laura breathed slowly at me through half-parted lips. Her eyes were half-closed and her nipples were hard. I wasn't sure what to think, but I couldn't look away, and I didn't clobber Jubilation. Then, after a few seconds of stunned surprise, I recovered enough to begin silently counting. I told myself that if I got to twenty and Jubilation was still sucking, I was going to peel her off of Laura and permanently settle her blood-sucking ass.

On the count of twelve, Jubilation broke away. The cut on Laura's neck sealed up almost immediately. The bruises and cuts mottling Jubilation's face began fading away as her eyes went from red to something a lot more normal. Actually, she had really pretty bright blue eyes.

"How's this work?" I asked slowly.

Laura didn't answer as she buttoned up her collar. So Jubilation stepped in, "Logan and Laura's blood... well, it's special and it does more than just feed me. It takes the edge off of being a vampire. I keep under control, nobody gets hurt, and I can even go out in daylight. And they heal the blood loss real fast, so..."

"No harm done," Laura finished as she smoothed her hair back in place.

I nodded my head slowly, "Okay. Okay, I can see that. But that keeps you pretty tightly tied to those two."

Suddenly, Jubilation couldn't quite meet my eyes, "Yeah. Logan's set up a small blood bank for me. Laura... helps when she can."

"So Logan's bagging his blood for you? You're not feeding off of him directly?" I asked. That was a pretty important question. A vampire that feeds by actually biting has a way better chance of infecting its victim.

"Yes," Jubilation replied.

I didn't say anything. Some kinds of vampire put the people they're feeding on in a state that's pretty sexually intense. Jubilation was obviously that kind of vamp. Logan was avoiding that sort of up-close-and-personal contact with Jubilation, but Laura obviously wasn't as prissy. If I had to make a guess, the only reason Jubilation hadn't taken Laura all the way to orgasm was because I was around.

I suppose you could say that Laura was a blood-donor with benefits.

"What if you turn Laura into a vamp?" I asked as calmly as I could. I hate it when I have to be the mature, responsible one.

Jubilation and Laura exchanged a glance. "That's not going to happen," Jubilation said. Laura nodded in agreement.

"How do you know that for sure?" I could hear the sudden edge in my voice.

"All we've got to go on is the word of Hank McCoy and Doc Strange," Jubiliation said sarcastically. She could be a real snot when she tried.

"Jubilation never bites me," Laura replied more reasonably. "And my healing factor fights off any residual vampiric infection."

I thought that over. It obviously helped that they were avoiding actual fang-in-skin contact. All Jubilation did was suck up the blood that Laura offered. And it kinda looked like they'd been doing this for a while. If Laura hadn't already turned...

I sighed in exasperation, "Okay. Issue dropped - until maybe it turns out that the big-brains have it wrong. Then you're both my problem. And I'll deal with it."

They were both smart enough to look a little worried about that.

* * *

An hour later, the girls were still in my motel room. The TV was on and they were watching "Game of Thrones". I was forced to admit that they had decent taste.

"Don't you two have somewhere else to be?" I groused.

Laura shrugged while not looking away from the tube, "I'm still keeping an eye on you for Logan."

"I'm here because Laura's here - and because it irritates you," Jubilation added helpfully.

I gritted my teeth. Okay, it was Logan's town and it was smart to play by Logan's rules. So I dropped it, sighed mightily, and opened another can of beer. I'd picked up a case while we were on our way to my room.

"You drink a lot," Jubilation said, glancing away from the TV long enough to give me a sideways glance.

I looked to heaven for guidance before answering, "Let me get this straight. A freaking vampire is criticizing me for having a drinking problem?"

Jubiliation started to get mad, but then forced herself to calm down. "Maybe I know something about bad habits," she said. Then she went back to watching TV.

I gave her a dirty look and drained my beer in one long swallow. As I tossed the can away, I noticed the trash was overflowing with empties. That - and what Jubilation had said - got me thinking. I'd been hitting the sauce pretty hard ever since the change. Maybe I was hitting it too hard?

There was still a six-pack left to go. I decided to leave it alone.

* * *

Jubilation stepped out of the bathroom in a gush of shower steam. She was naked except for a towel in her hair.

"It's all yours," she said to Laura. Laura nodded, got up out of her chair, and walked towards the bathroom, gracefully pulling off her top as she did. We'd done a round of rock-paper-scissors to settle the shower order.

"I won't be long, Hellboy," Laura called to me.

Jubilation was sitting on the bed by then. She had a sock on one foot and the other in her hands. She frowned suddenly and looked up at me.

"Hellboy?" she asked.

"That's my name," I grunted. "Don't overuse it."

The door to the bathroom was still open. Laura was naked by now and standing outside the shower curtain as she fiddled with the shower's temperature.

Jubilation cocked her head in my direction. "Why not 'Hellgirl'? Hellboy is your dad, right?"

"Actually, I am Hellboy." It was getting kinda hard to keep a straight face.

Jubilation snorted, "Look, lady, I'm open-minded, but you're a lot more qualified to be a girl than a boy. You've got boobs bigger than my head."

"He's the real Hellboy," Laura yelled off-handedly over the sound of rushing water. "He ran into a Faerie Lady who used magic to change his gender."

Slowly rising to her feet, her eyes locked on mine, Jubilation asked warily, "When did that happen?"

"Four days ago," I answered as I finally let my eyes wander over her body. "I'm actually a man trapped in a woman's body. A really stacked woman's body."

Jubilation let out a sound that sounded something like, "EEEEEEEEEEEEP!" Then she grabbed her clothes and vanished into the bathroom in a blur of motion. She was faster than hell when she tried. The door slammed shut behind her.

"YOU FUCKING PERV!" Jubilation yelled at me through the door.

I couldn't help myself. For the first time in four days, I let out a laugh.

* * *

"So did you enjoy the show?" Jubilation asked irritably. She was fully dressed now. So was Laura.

"You're darn tooting," I answered. "Off hand, I'd say you have better boobs, but Laura's got the perfect ass." I didn't think calculated crudity would really make the two of them get lost, but I was willing to give it a shot.

Naturally, it didn't work. Never try to use social convention against Jubilation and Laura. There's just no point.

"What are your criteria for the perfect ass?" Laura asked curiously. I swear, with her ability to say oddball things, it's like she's an extremely lethal version of Luna Lovegood.

"Go back in the bathroom, drop your pants, turn around, and look in the mirror," I said as I absently fiddled with the TV remote. I was trying to find something worth watching. "Saving Private Ryan" suddenly popped onto the screen. With a grunt of approval, I put down the remote.

Laura actually smiled at what I'd said. And I suddenly realized that I liked seeing her smile. I had the feeling she didn't do that a lot.

"Quit hitting on her, you disgusting perv," Jubilation growled at me.

"All I did was answer a question," I pointed out.

"All you did was enjoy a free peep-show! You could have warned us!"

"Laura knows all about me. And until now I've never run into a fangster who gave a crap about modesty. You know, if you've got a problem with what happened, maybe you shouldn't take your clothes off in front of strangers."

"I thought you were some chick who was related to Hellboy!"

"Oh, hell, Jubilation. Cut it out. I'll bet you're really just mad 'cause I said Laura has a better ass. Hey, I said you have better boobs."

"Creep," Jubilation hissed at me. Meanwhile, Laura looked down at her chest, frowned thoughtfully, and speculatively cupped the indicated members.

"Stop touching yourself," I ordered grumpily.

Laura smiled again. She had a small kind of smile, but I decided that I could get really used to it. Then she did as she was told and let go of her knockers.

Jubilation looked at her, then at me, and - God as my witness - cracked a smile of her own.

"So how long have you been a vampire?" I asked.

Jubilation frowned bitterly at me before she answered. "Less than a year."

That made sense. Vampires always go nuts eventually, but Jubilation wasn't showing the signs yet. Basically, a vamp's predatory nature eventually overwhelms them and they decide that everyone else is just food. I've never heard one say it, but I get the impression they think it's unfair when their food fights back.

"Let me guess," Jubilation said calmly enough. "You're wondering how long until I flip out and start telling everyone that vampires and humans are just like lions and gazelles. Natural predation, circle of life, and all that bullshit. So there's nothing to be upset about if I thin the herd every now and then."

I never said Jubilation wasn't a smart girl - just that she was also a smart-ass.

"I've heard the speech before," I said dryly. "Usually with an eastern European accent."

"What's your response?"

"It usually involves a wooden stake. Then a bonfire."

Jubilation gave me a grim smile. "So I can add you to the list?"

"What list?"

"The list of people who've promised to kill me if I go bad. Right now it includes Logan, Laura, Kitty, Ororo, Hank, Bobby, Remy, Betsy, and Doc Strange. There are others, but I have a hard time keeping track of them all."

Yikes. "That's quite a list, kiddo."

"It's nice to be in so many people's thoughts. So I can count on you?"

I nodded, "Yep."

"Okay. That means we're sorta-kinda friends and you get to call me Jubes instead of Jubilation."

Jubes. I like that better than Jubilation. It had more character.

* * *

It was kinda funny, I guess.

Look, I'm used to the way people look at me. I'm different. Way different. I get that. Some folks stare. Some folks just look at me out of the corner of their eye. But no matter how they do it, a good percentage of the people I meet are going to give me the once-over. Whatever. It just goes with the turf and the last time I let that get under my skin the President of the United States was Jack Kennedy.

But every now and then I would catch Laura and Jubes stealing a sideways glance at me. Given that they spent a lot of time hanging with people who were just as strange looking - maybe even more - than me, that was a bit of a surprise. And it was beginning to bug me. There was something about this that was different.

After a while, I finally figured out what was going on.

People who get bent out of shape when they're around me - or just curious - tend to look at the same things: my horns, my hooves, my tail, or my right hand. But Laura and Jubes weren't doing that. And eventually I figured out what they were focusing on.

Heck, I suppose it made a lot of sense. Both girls were in their late teens and had skinny... uh, I mean 'slender'... builds. Neither girl had much in the way of a chest, while I had a glorious pair of gravity-defying hooters-from-hell.

So Laura and Jubes were checking out my rack. They were wondering what it would be like to be this stacked. Maybe there was even a little envy.

Okay, it wasn't really 'kinda funny' - it was just this side of hysterical. But I figured I better not say anything.

"What are you smiling about?" Jubes asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. Nothing," I chuckled.

* * *

"So you aren't a mutant?" Jubes asked warily.

I hesitated before answering. I don't like talking about myself.

"She... he's the great beast of the apocalypse," Laura told her before I could say anything. Logan must tell her freaking everything.

Jubes gave Laura a long look. Then she looked back at me.

"She's right," I growled at Jubes. Maybe I was a little shorter than I should have been, but the way I figure it, who I am - what I am - isn't really anyone else's business.

Jubes frowned. She opened her mouth to say something, paused, and then closed her mouth. I mentally put a check-mark under the "Win" column. There probably aren't too many people who've left Jubilation Lee with nothing to say.

"He's decided not to end the world," Laura continued.

Jubes pursed her lips and gave me a long, speculative, look. Then she shrugged and said, "On behalf of the humans, mutants, and undead of Earth, allow me to say 'thank you'. We appreciate it."

"No problem," I grunted.

* * *

I finally remembered to call Liz.

"How's it going?" she asked. I could tell she was worried and that bothered me. I'm supposed to worry about her, not the other way around.

"Fine. The guy I was gonna to talk to isn't in town right now. So that part of my vacation has been a bust."

"Oh, geeze, I'm sorry HB. I heard you got into a fight?"

I glanced at Jubes and Laura, who were both looking nowhere particular as they eagerly eavesdropped on the conversation. No matter what else they were, they were still a pair of girls.

"Yeah, but it was just a misunderstanding. It's been settled."

"Are you going to come home?"

"Not yet. Although I gotta admit I'm not sure what to do next. Anything interesting happening at the Bureau?"

"No," she said just quickly enough that I knew it wasn't completely true. Something is always happening at the Bureau. Liz just didn't want me cutting my vacation short. Which was about the only good reason that I could think of to stay on my vacation.

There was some more chit-chat and I promised to call again. Then I hung up the phone.

"Girlfriend?" Jubes asked. She's the nosiest undead I've ever met.

"No," I said. "More like a little sister."

"Really? How did you meet?"

Then, for some reason, I told them about Liz. How she went out of control when she was a little girl and killed a bunch of people. How the BPRD locked her up. How I talked the guys in charge into letting her out. How she grew up in the Bureau and eventually became an agent. How she saved my ass more than once. How I saved her ass more than once. How she kept quitting the Bureau - and kept coming back. How something seemed to be growing between her and Abe. How she hurt inside. How I worried about her. How I cared about her. And how she helped me with the damned bra-thing.

I talked for quite a while. And both Laura and Jubes never said a word as I kept talking. They seemed fascinated.

Once I was done, Laura said, "She sounds like a mutant." Jubes nodded without saying anything.

"No," I said with a shake of my head. "She's definitely on the mystical end of things. A big, bad spirit of fire and destruction has its hooks into her."

Laura and Jubes gave each other a strange look, but they didn't say anything. I had the feeling that there was something they didn't want to talk about.

* * *

There was a knock on the door. That was no surprise, since I'd ordered pizza.

After fishing some cash out of my wallet, I walked to the door.

"Stop," Laura said quietly.

I froze. Laura's one of those people who can pack a lot of authority into not many words. She was on her feet, sniffing the air and looking worried.

Jubes was also staring at the door. She glanced at Laura and said, "Smells sorta human."

Laura shook her head. "It's not. It's wearing clothes it took from someone."

I jerked my head towards the bathroom. Both girls moved in that direction, but didn't actually get into the bathroom. On the other hand, they were out of the immediate line-of-sight of the door.

One more time, I jerked my head towards the bathroom. This time with a little more emphasis. Laura and Jubes simultaneously shook their heads at me.

With an irritated sigh, I put a particularly clueless look on my face and opened the front door.

Something pretending to be a pizza boy was standing outside. It was carrying three pizza boxes, and at first glance it looked okay, but a lot of little things were off. The clothes it was wearing were too small, its hair was wildly uncombed, the glasses on its face had a small crack in one lens, and there was a blood-stain on its right shoulder. All in all, it was a lousy disguise.

"You better pray the real pizza boy is okay," I said.

It took a couple of seconds for the critter to figure out that it wasn't fooling anyone. Then it dropped the pizzas, transformed into an evil-looking, seven-foot tall bug-monster, and lunged at me.

It met my stone fist. There was a crunching sound, a splatter of green goop, and the bug rocketed backwards, sprawling on its back out in the motel parking lot.

Shaking green stuff from my right hand, I stalked out of the hotel room. Laura and Jubes followed, immediately spreading out to cover my flanks. I gotta admit that the X-Men train their people pretty well.

Reaching down, I grabbed the monster by one of its antennae and hauled it to its feet. It let out a high-pitched squeak that sounded pretty outraged. I guess in bug-monster terms, that was dirty fighting.

"Where's the real pizza-delivery guy?" I asked stonily.

The bug-critter tried to bite me, but I declined to cooperate and instead slammed it head-first into the tailgate of a nearby pickup truck. The tailgate dented impressively.

The delivery car was double-parked nearby. Jubes was checking it out while Laura stood beside her, warily watching all around for more trouble. They worked real smooth together.

The bug recovered enough to scrabble at me with his claws. I let go of it and bashed it over the head with my stone hand. Its head and upper body got kinda lop-sided and more green stuff started leaking from multiple cracks in its chitin. It started staggering randomly around the parking lot.

Laura popped a claw and reamed out the trunk's lock, then went back to keeping watch. Jubes gave a hard yank and the trunk popped open. She bent over to examine something inside.

"We found the pizza guy," Jubes called. "He's hurt, but he's still breathing."

I glanced at Laura.

"All clear," she said.

Jubes was hauling the real pizza-delivery boy out of the trunk. He was pretty rocky, but to my inexpert eye it looked like he was going to live.

Laura was making a call with a cell-phone. It sounded like the cavalry was on the way.

The bug-critter finally collapsed to the ground.

"That's it for you," I growled at it.

Laura gave the pizza a sniff and told me it was poisoned.

Damn it. I was hungry.

* * *

Logan and Hank McCoy showed up pretty quick. McCoy checked out the pizza boy and then bundled him off to the mansion. Logan and Laura scooped the remains of the bug-critter into the trunk of the pizza delivery car. Then Logan drove it out of the parking lot just before the cops showed up.

I took another shower to wash off the green goop that was splattered all over me.

When I got out of the shower, Laura made a quick report. "Dr. McCoy examined the pizza boy and thinks he will recover, but is keeping him overnight for observation. We lied to the police and they went away. I've ordered Chinese food and will pick it up myself."

Laura doesn't waste words. There are folks at the Bureau who could learn a lot from her.

Jubes was on the bed - my bed - watching some pretty-boy band gyrate and howl on the television. "What was that all about?" she asked.

"Over the years, I've pissed off a lot of people..." I began.

"No? Really?" Jubes interrupted with a look of shocked innocence on her face.

I ignored her. "...and one of them just tried to off me. It happens every now and then. Maybe you two should go find somewhere else to hang out."

The words weren't even a second out of my mouth when I suddenly realized that I didn't really want them to go. I didn't want to be alone and - in their own way - they were good company.

Laura didn't say anything. She also didn't leave.

Jubes just laughed, "Gee, you think we might be in danger? That's never happened before."

"What was that thing?" Laura asked me.

I shrugged. "I don't know what they're called. A Chinese sorcerer created them a couple thousand years ago. He's gone, but they're still around. They work as assassins for anybody who can afford to pay them."

Then I grabbed the side of the bed and lifted it up to a forty-five degree angle. Jubes rolled off with a startled yelp and landed on the floor with a solid thump. Then I dropped the bed and flopped onto it.

"My bed is a no-share zone. Find your own place to crash," I growled.

Rubbing her backside as she stood up, Jubes spat some bad words at me.

* * *

Laura was gone - getting the Chinese food. I was laying on the bed, with my arms folded behind my head as I stared up at the ceiling. I was dozing on and off. Jubes was irritably occupying the room's only chair. Judging from the racket, the pretty-boy band was still on the TV, but I wasn't interested.

"Back in the day, you were Logan's side-kick, weren't you?" I asked.

"Yeah," Jubes said after a second or so. Since I was on my back, I couldn't see Jubes. She was just a voice off to one side.

"I've known Logan, on-and-off, for a long time," I continued.

"So?"

"So the Logan I know would kill a vampire on sight."

Jubes didn't say anything for a long time. Then she sighed and said, "You got a point?"

"Yeah. Logan knows you pretty well. And he thinks you're worth saving. That's something to think about."

Jubes didn't say anything, but after a while I could hear her sniffling. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

* * *

Empty Chinese food cartons were stacked all over the table and nightstand. It turned out that the place Laura had ordered dinner from made a kick-ass Mongolian beef. She got five orders for me and one for herself. Jubes, of course, just watched us eat while wistfully asking how it tasted.

I was still on the bed, but now my shoulders were up against the headboard as we watched TV. Laura was cuddled up on one side of me. Jubes was on the other side. It was an interesting experience, since Jubes' body temperature was something like twenty degrees cooler than Laura's.

Okay, I'd sorta given up on the idea that the bed was my personal territory. Look, they weren't leaving, there was only one chair, and I couldn't just make them lie on the floor, right?

We were watching the episode of "The Big Bang Theory" where Sheldon gives Amy a tiara. Jubes and I agreed that it was one of the funniest scenes ever shown on TV. Laura had never seen it and she was curious. There were definitely worse ways to kill an evening. Suddenly, I wasn't regretting my trip to Salem Center.

I swear, we almost died laughing when we finally got to the scene with the tiara. And, for some reason, I wasn't surprised when Jubes kissed me during the end credits. And I wasn't surprised when Laura joined in. And I wasn't even surprised as our clothes slipped away and the girls' pale flesh made such a contrast against my crimson hide.

Some things don't really have an explanation. They just happen. We were three people with screwed-up lives who'd decided, without any words, that maybe we could make at least one night work right for us.

Eventually, my horns - the full-length horns I'd had since I changed - got in the damned way. They can make some kinds of physical activity kinda awkward.

"Cut 'em off," I told Laura.

She frowned.

"Don't worry, it won't hurt me," I promised. "I normally trim 'em myself, but I've been kinda busy lately."

Laura nodded.

Snikt.

* * *

My wristwatch was on the nightstand. Glancing at it, I saw that it was just past three in the morning.

Outside, I could hear some occasional street noise as cars and trucks wandered up and down the road, carrying people back-and-forth, doing whatever it is that people do that early in the morning.

Jubes was on my right, snoring softly. Apparently she didn't need a coffin filled with her native soil - which was a good sign, by the way. Of course, she also had her arms wrapped around my big right arm and was using my palm as a pillow. I'm not much on supernatural symbolism, but that struck me as something to think about.

Laura's head was on my left shoulder and one of her hands was on my stomach. My tail had gotten tangled around her ankles - binding them together. Suddenly, she stirred in her sleep and whimpered slightly.

"It's okay, sweetie. Hush," I whispered as I stroked her hair.

Laura's eyes opened for a moment. She smiled sleepily and leaned over to kiss me. Then she closed her eyes, snuggled closer to me, and went back to sleep.

* * *

That morning.

"Holy crap!" Jubes squeaked.

I blinked my eyes open. I was face-to-face with Laura. Her green eyes were wide open in surprise, but she didn't say anything.

Somehow, I just knew. I didn't have to check or anything.

I was a guy again.

"Wow," I said more-or-less to myself as I slowly sat up. The deep rumble of my old voice was like an old friend. And all of a sudden, I figured it out. It was the horns. All it took was to cut them off and I'd returned to normal.

"Holy crap!" Jubes repeated, this time more urgently. She was sitting up in bed and not even trying to cover herself. Laura slowly untangled herself from the covers as she stared at me in fascination. Alternating bands of light and shadow, caused by the morning sun shining through the window blinds, splashed across their bare bodies. The two of them were as wild and unkept and beautiful a sight as you could imagine. I'll never forget that moment. If I live a thousand years, I'll never forget that moment.

Then my stomach sank as I waited for Jubes and Laura to flip out.

Instead, Laura lifted the edge of the sheet and peeked underneath. After a second or two, Jubes did the same.

"Holy crap," Jubes said for the third time, but this time with a giggle. Both girls' eyes were pretty wide. Then Jubes ducked underneath the covers. Laura gave me a mysterious, cat-like look and followed.

As Laura and Jubes began examining the situation under the covers a little closer, my head fell backwards and hit the headboard with a solid thunk.

"Holy crap!" I whispered.

* * *

It was just before sunrise when the phone rang. With an unhappy grunt, I reached over to pick it up.

"It's me," Logan said.

"Yeah," I answered. "What's up?"

"We need to talk."

I was lying on my side, watching the girls. Laura and Jubes were kneeling in the middle of the bed. Laura's arms were wrapped around Jubes' middle. Jubes was nuzzled against Laura's neck - feeding. Laura's eyes were closed and her mouth was open in a perfect "O" of pleasure.

"I'm a little busy," I said.

"Too busy for breakfast?" Logan countered.

There was no point in putting off the inevitable. "There's a diner next to the motel. See you in an hour," I told Logan.

"Fine," he replied. Then he hung up.

As I watched, Jubes groggily opened her eyes... and immediately pulled away from Laura. Jubes smiled shakily at Laura. The smile that Laura returned was surprisingly tender. Then Laura leaned over to lick her own blood off of Jubes' lips and chin. After she was done cleaning Jubes, Laura glanced at me. I was laying on the bed next to them. Laura leaned over and pushed me onto my back. She's pretty aggressive in bed.

"You like watching," Jubes chuckled as she leaned over to kiss me.

"Yeah," I said as I relaxed. Given the difference in our sizes, it was better if I let the girls do most of the driving.

For so long, all I could do was watch. You know - magazines, movies - that kind of thing. There had been women in my life, but it didn't happen very often. When you look the way I do, it just isn't in the cards. There was a time when that bothered me, but I got over it.

Laura straddled me as Jubes kissed me again. I looked up at Jubes and asked, "Does she ever wear out?"

Jubes just smiled, shook her head, and locked her lips against mine.

* * *

Logan met us at the diner. He didn't react at all to the fact that I was a guy again. Maybe he caught the change in my voice when we talked on the phone. Or maybe Jubes or Laura slipped him a message. Or maybe he was just being a dick.

"I did some checking around," Logan said after he sat down. "No sign of any more bugs. And the other guys following you turned out to be from the BPRD."

"Did you hurt them?" I asked worriedly.

"Nope. Do you want me to?" Logan asked.

I shook my head, "Nah, they're just doing their job."

Jubes and Laura were both looking particularly innocent and lady-like. Laura was having bacon and eggs while Jubes toyed with a full cup of coffee that she wasn't actually drinking. If Logan had a clue what had happened last night, he wasn't letting it show. But let's be honest, how the hell do you hide anything from Logan? Despite the fact we'd cleaned up before going to breakfast, I'm sure he could smell the blood and sex.

Logan wasn't particularly looking at the girls. And they weren't particularly looking at him. I think that was predator body language for, "We'll talk about this later." Yeah, I suppose Logan didn't think I was right for his sort-of sister and his sort-of daughter. And you know something? He was right. But the scary thing was that he was smart enough to not be an ass about it. Laura and Jubes were both the type where making a big deal out of what had happened would only push them closer to me - and Logan knew it.

"So now what?" Logan asked me.

Translation: "When are you leaving town?"

"I'm still on vacation, I guess. Any ideas where I should go next?"

Logan took a drink from his coffee cup as he thought it over. Then he said, "Remy mentioned that it's gonna be Mardi Gras pretty soon."

Translation: "New Orleans is only half a continent away, but I'll take what I can get."

I mulled that over. Off hand, I couldn't remember ever being in New Orleans when I wasn't there on business. There was a lot to see. And Mardi Gras was one hell of a party. And then there's the jazz and the Cajun food...

"Sounds good," I said.

"Have fun," Logan said evenly.

Translation: "Why are you still here?"

* * *

I planned on taking the train. There's a small commuter station in Salem Center that takes you to New York City. From there you can grab Amtrak.

I'd considered staying in Salem Center. After all, I had found something good there. But... but I couldn't see it lasting. Laura and Jubes were sure to lose interest in a mug like me pretty quickly. It seemed better to move on while the memories were still good.

But deep down inside of me, there was an ache that wasn't going away. Yeah, it was best if I left, but leaving still hurt.

As I climbed the stairs that led into the train station, I heard a car horn. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Jubes and Laura in a van. Jubes was behind the wheel, wearing a wide hat, a pair of black sunglasses, and a sharp and pointy grin. Laura was leaning out the passenger-side window and waving at me. Most people would have told you that Laura looked pretty serious, but if you knew her well enough, the faint curve of her lips meant just as much as Jubes' wild smile.

"Wanna ride?" Jubes yelled. "We're heading to New Orleans!"

No hesitation. I turned around and marched over to the van.

* * *

ADDENDA

It was an obvious understatement, but Logan and Doctor Stephen Strange were quite different people. However, they had a great deal of respect for one another and often made use of each other's expertise.

At the moment, Logan and Strange were sitting in the tiny backroom of a Greenwhich Village coffee house. Somewhere else in the shop, someone was yelling second-rate beat poetry to an unaccountably large crowd of cheering fans. The poetry wasn't really to either man's taste. Strange didn't particularly like the form and Logan had heard far better from Ginsberg himself.

A third person entered the backroom and joined them at their table. He was androgynously handsome and dressed in an expensive, well-tailored, power suit that would have made the most fashion-conscious Wall-Street investment banker green with envy.

"I am named Caulichan," the new-comer said after he sat down. "I speak for the Lady of Turning and have come in response of your call."

Logan glanced at Strange before returning his full attention to the Faerie Lord.

"Welcome, Lord Caulichan of the Autumn Court," Strange said formally. "We send greetings to your Lady and thank her for hearing our call."

A very pretty and obviously star-struck waitress entered the room. She worshipfully put a complex-looking coffee in front of Caulichan. The Faerie Lord smiled benignly at her - she seemed dazzled by the attention - and then gave her what looked like a gold coin.

Logan and Strange both tensed.

The Faerie Lord seem amused at their reaction. He held up a hand as the waitress left, "Her name is Amy, daughter of Lester and Sarah, born and reared in the place called Queens. We spoke as I made my order. She did not have enough money to continue her education. But she soon will."

"And what price will she pay for your generosity?" Strange asked softly.

Caulichan smiled dazzlingly, "A trifle. We will never meet again, but she will think of me for the rest of her days. As mortals put it, I will be 'the one who got away'. My deed has changed her forever, but the question of her future health and happiness is still as much hers as with any mortal. On that you have my word."

Logan and Strange relaxed.

"We wish to discuss the matter of your Lady and Hellboy," Strange continued.

Caulichan shook his head, "My Lady has had her revenge. The Hellboy who gave us offense is no more and the issue is settled."

Logan blinked - and then began rising to his feet, his eyes locked on Caulichan.

Strange put a restraining hand on Logan's shoulder. Logan paused... and then sat back down.

"The last we heard, Hellboy was alive and well," Strange said.

Caulichan nodded, "Yes. But that is unimportant. As I have said, the Hellboy who offended my Lady is no more."

Strange examined Caulichan carefully. Then he nodded. "I see. Please express our thanks to your Lady for clarifying this matter."

Logan shot a puzzled look at Strange, but said nothing.

Caulichan bowed his head. Then he rose and left, leaving a half-empty cup of ridiculously expensive coffee where he had been sitting.

Logan waited till the Faerie Lord was gone before turning to face Strange. "What the hell?" he asked plaintively.

Strange picked up his cup of tea, peered into it, and then took a sip. "Everything is fine, Logan. The Lady of Turning is not a threat to Hellboy or his friends."

A wary look appeared on Logan's face. "Why not?"

Strange paused to consider his words before he replied.

"Logan, the fey don't view things as we do. For one thing, they are immortal and tend to take a very long view of things. And in many ways they are creatures of their nature and lack true volition. Hellboy angered the Lady of Turning. So she changed him - which is what she does. Therefore, her revenge is complete. Likewise, it is not in her nature to pursue the issue any further once she has won."

Logan frowned. "Hey, Doc, I think you, the Lady, and Lord Fabio Fancypants have all missed the part where Hellboy is back to standing when he pees."

A dry smile appeared on Strange's face. "The fact that Hellboy is once again male doesn't mean that he hasn't changed. Before this, he was focused on his place as an investigator with the BPRD almost to the point of obsession. Until now, could you imagine him actually enjoying a vacation? One that included this... relationship... with two young ladies?"

On the table between the two men was a Gulf Coast tabloid. It was folded open to headline that read, "Mutant Girls Gone Wild!". It showed Hellboy standing literally head and shoulders above a crowd of New Orleans revelers. Jubes was perched on one of his shoulders. Laura on the other. They were almost buried in cheap jewelry. The paper had blacked-out the part where the two girls were flashing their breasts at a Mardi Gras float, but what they was doing was still obvious.

Strange paused to finish his cup of tea and then added, "The Hellboy who angered the Lady of Turning no longer exists. The possibility that this 'new' Hellboy may actually be living a happier life is not the point as far as she is concerned... as long as the 'old' Hellboy who offended her is gone."

Logan stared thoughtfully at the man sitting next to him, but said nothing. He was dealing with some unfamiliar concepts. Logan's approach to revenge was far more direct.

Strange stood up and tossed a couple of bills onto the table. Just because Amy would soon come into some unexpected wealth didn't mean a gentleman should ever stiff a waitress for her tip.

"By the way," Strange added he pulled on his coat. "It wasn't the horns."

Logan snapped out of his reverie, "What?"

"It wasn't trimming his horns that reversed the spell on Hellboy," Strange explained. "After all, he would have done that himself sooner or later. That wasn't what the Lady of Turning had in mind."

Logan frowned and rubbed his jaw, "Then what was it?"

Strange reached down and put two fingers on the picture in the tabloid. His first finger was on Jubes. His middle finger rested on Laura.

"It was them. They gave something of themselves to Hellboy and he returned in kind. And that changed him in a way that satisfied the Lady of Turning. Turning Hellboy female simply made him susceptible to that kind of encounter - it was a means, not the goal. When Hellboy returned to being male, it was because the Lady's work was done, and there was no longer any need to maintain the spell."

Strange nodded a polite goodbye to Logan and left the room. Behind him, Logan stared at the picture in the newspaper and tried to remain worried.

It didn't work. And Logan smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> A few years back, an artist who goes by the handle "dekarogue" (check him out on deviantart ) did a commission for someone that showed X-23 and a Rule63!Hellboy together. It was a charming piece and I decided to write something based on it. However, the story stalled after I wrote a few paragraphs. Then the story fragment sat on my hard-drive for quite some time. Meanwhile, things kept happening in the comics. For example: Hellboy left the BPRD (and went to Hell) and Jubilation Lee became a vampire and a friend of X-23.
> 
> Eventually, I stumbled across my story file and took another look at it. The idea of "Hellgirl" bumping into both X-23 and the vampire version of Jubilee got caught in my head and I started working on the story again. And here it is.
> 
> So where does this story fit into the X-Men and Hellboy timelines? Well... arguably it doesn't and there isn't much point to worrying about the details. However, this story does seem to take place in a version of the post-Schism/post-Phoenix Five comic-verse where Professor Xavier is still alive and Hellboy hasn't yet quit the BPRD.
> 
> Also, the Hellboy universe we have here is more akin to the one from the two animated features ("Storm of Swords" and "Blood and Iron") rather than the two movies or the on-going comic-book series. That's why Liz talks like the Liz from the movies, but has a budding romantic relationship with Abe instead of Hellboy.


End file.
